The Man Worth Knowing

He left behind a trail of dust as he zoomed off on his scooter, again. He had a peculiar style of sitting on the scooter, kind of crooked, as though he’s getting off the scooter. Seeing him perched like that always makes my heart skip a beat. ‘What if’ and I stop the thought at that. After all, he’s been doing that for years, from long before I was born.

He had just returned from the market, which he had gone to earlier in the morning for no particular reason. And he left now, once again for no particular reason. Whatever he did on those two trips to the market, could very well have been combined with his trip in the evening. But no, it had to be done now. It’s as though he would be punished if he stayed in one place for too long. An additional evening visit was made solely to get us fresh, piping hot samosas from that market. Ignoring our protests, lest we stopped him, he briskly walked away saying “Yeta, yeta, rokhdo yeta”. And vroom! He was gone.

We were there to spend the day with him. But of course, all that we got were fleeting meetings between his visits to the village market and over lunch and tea. Assolna has a very laid back and relaxed feel about it. But somehow that had never rubbed off on Nanu maam. Narayan Navelkar, or Nanu as he is fondly called by all and sundry is my mama by marriage (my husband’s mama).

My first close meeting with this personality was seven years ago, when he visited us soon after I was married. For days I heard, “Nanu maam yevpacho asa”. I assumed he would be over for lunch or at least tea. Before I knew it, he had come and gone as well, leaving us with enough seafood to last at least a week if not more. He had come all the way from Assolna only to visit us, which did not last more than ten minutes and I am not exaggerating. I was quite perplexed. Why would someone drive all the way and then not even spend some time with his sister? Everyone was amused at my surprise and I was told, “tasoch toh”. Over time I have learnt ‘tasoch toh’ but every time I hope this visit will be different. Sometimes he reaches our place at lunchtime and no amount of cajoling, admonishing or protest can make him stay. He always has some urgent work (which in most likelihood is an errand for someone) to take care of and hence the fleeting visit.

Short, quiet (except when in the throes of work!), a little hunched over with age, sparkling eyes, a thin silver moustache framing his warm, endearing smile, Nanu maam is much loved, respected and a favourite of all age groups and people from all walks of life. Dressed in his signature short-sleeved bush shirt and trousers (be it at work or a formal function), this diminutive figure belongs to the entire village, or rather, the entire village authoritatively and affectionately owns him. There are enough people who have in casual conversation mentioned that Nanu maam looks after their ancestral house in Assolna, as they are settled elsewhere. He is the go-to person for any of their needs. Running errands, harvesting coconuts (paadap) or attending court cases on their behalf, he does it all. His deeply tanned skin and worn out chappals are testimony to that.

Be it the annual Shigmo festival or the village temple’s (Vetala devul) activities, or anything else that happens in the village, public or private, Nanu maam is at the forefront of things. Not just leading, but by doing. He neither waits for something to be done nor instructs, he just goes and does it. With age creeping up, everyone would prefer him to sit back and give directions for them to follow. But that’s just not in his nature. He is a doer. To him these events are extremely important and revered, hence no chances are to be taken for any tardiness. That’s probably the only times that he is brusque and closed to any kind of arguments.

You would think at least at this age (he’s only 74) his activities would be limited within the village. No, not at all. He is a regular at the temple of the family deity at Khandola (Khanolya), volunteering and serving in every way possible. No matter whose event it is – a wedding, an engagement, a thread ceremony… – he takes charge and works wholeheartedly to organise and execute things. Recently at a family function, we watched haplessly as he carried heavy boxes of bottled drinking water, snatched huge trays of food items from the waiter and himself served, directed the caterer in setting up the buffet table… He wasn’t in one place for over a minute. He had to be forced to sit down and have lunch as he resisted saying, “Magir, magir; itle begin kityak”. Mind you, he was neither obligated nor responsible for doing anything. You see, he plays the host even at functions that he’s invited to!

At another function, he stood watching with folded arms, alert and ready to act at the slightest need. Everything was taken care of and he had nothing to do, yet he spent his entire time on his feet, observing minutely. Now and then as a thought struck him about an upcoming requirement, he would ask my husband about it, which of course was already taken care of. Yet, no amount of cajoling made him sit and enjoy with his relatives.

For Nanu maam, money and wealth are meant for giving away and providing to all and sundry. Coconuts, fresh fish (Assolna is famous for its river fish), dried fish, coconut oil, mangoes… his parcels are always on the move. Not just for his brother, sisters and cousins, but distant relatives, friends and acquaintances. The ‘who’ does not matter to him. Though born to a business family and in business most of his life, he is not a ‘business’ man at all. Whether he was able to run his business profitably will always remain a mystery. There is no calculation or even the slightest expectation of returns. If at any time, it is pointed out that someone has not behaved right with him, he’ll brush it off without even listening fully, “Sod, sod, te asuni. Amchoch nhai toh.” For Nanu maam, life is only about caring, nurturing, giving… unconditionally.

The other day I was reading Baakibab Borkar’s poem ‘जीवन त्यांना कळले हो’ (Jeevan tyana kalale ho) and the only person I could relate it to was Nanu maam. There isn’t another person I know who comes even close to the attributes described in the poem.

Indeed, I can truly say, नानू माम, जीवन तुम्हाला कळले हो (Nanu maam, jeevan tumhala kalale ho).

 

जीवन त्यांना कळले हो

-      बा. भ. बोरकर

जीवन त्यांना कळले हो

मीपण ज्यांचे पक्‍व फळापरी

सहजपणाने गळले हो

जीवन त्यांना कळले हो

 

जळापरी मन निर्मळ ज्यांचे,

गेले तेथे मिळले हो

चराचरांचे हो‍उनि जीवन

स्‍नेहासम पाजळले हो

जीवन त्यांना कळले हो

 

सिंधूसम हृदयांत जयांच्या

रस सगळे आकळले हो

आपत्काली अन्‌ दीनांवर

घन हो‍उनि जे वळले हो

जीवन त्यांना कळले हो

 

दूरित जयांच्या दर्शनमात्रे

मोहित हो‍ऊन जळले हो

पुण्य जयांच्या उजवाडाने

फुलले अन्‌ परिमळले हो

जीवन त्यांना कळले हो

 

आत्मदळाने नक्षत्रांचे वैभव

ज्यांनी तुळिले हो

सायासाविण ब्रह्म सनातन

उरींच ज्यां आढळले हो

जीवन त्यांना कळले हो.

 

 

Nurturing Confident Children – Part 2

Below are a few behaviours, some of which are inter-connected and overlap. If your child displays any of these behaviours, it may be a warning sign for cosseting. Wake up and act before it’s too late.

1) Inability to take a decision. If the child always asks before taking even the simplest of decision, or looks around for approval from an adult before taking a decision, it may be a sign that things are always decided for him.

2) If the child feels lost in the absence of parents, in spite of being with familiar people and other family members, it’s probably because he has no clue of what to do with regard to anything. That may be because things are always done for him, and provided on a platter. 

3) If the child is fearful, it may be because the parents are overprotective and often, fearful themselves. Anxious parents lead to anxious children. 

4) Inability to take a joke. If the child withdraws into a shell or cries on being teased a little, it might be that the child lacks in self-confidence. We’re not talking of mean behaviour or bullying, just simple, harmless humour. 

5) If the child resists helping out or doing simple chores for others, it could be that the child has been spoiled, and has never shouldered any responsibility. 

6) If the child controls the parents, the child is certainly pampered. The threat of a tantrum in a public place, pretending to throw up when asked to finish his food, bargaining with the parent to do as told are a few examples. 

7) Fear of failure is another sign of cosseting. Such children have been sheltered from failures, as they have never been left to fend for themselves or sort out their problems. It’s always Daddy/Mummy who sorts things out for them, often even before something happens. 

8) The inability to share is again a sign of over-indulgence – always getting what they want, and more so, having it to themselves. While this may be more common in case of single children, it is not uncommon in children with siblings.

While it’s good to start at a young age, it’s never too late. If you find yourself in the sinking sands of over-parenting, bail yourself and your child out now!

‘Where parents do too much for their children, the children will not do much for themselves.’ — Elbert Hubbard

Nurturing Confident Children – Part 1

‘In the end, it is not what we do for our children, but what we have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings’, said the columnist Ann Launders, and rightly so. That’s also what will determine whether the adult child is grateful and thankful to the parents or detests them for having messed them up with their overbearing love.

Parents often confuse love and care with indulgence and pampering. Some parents even experience guilt for not doing something for the child, or for making the child do something. The trick is in balancing the act and being aware of whether your parenting is helping the child or squashing his individuality and confidence.

Typical mollycoddling involves the following –

a) Excessive hand-holding – Taking over when the child attempts to do something.

b) Being overprotective – Some parents never let the child out of sight, they are always watched, picked up when they fall, cautioned.

c) Micro-management – There are parents who micro-manage every single facet of the child’s life, from something as simple as buttoning the 10-year-old’s shirt to buttering his bread!

d) Over directive – They just can’t stop themselves from constantly giving directions, even for things the child has been doing on his own since years.

e) Gratification of the child’s every demand – Some parents confuse love with gratification of demands. Whether instant or delayed, gratification of every single demand is detrimental to the child’s well-being and is certainly no sign of parental love.

‘Your kids require you most of all to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them.’ — Bill Ayers

The Healer Beyond Compare

Up and down, in and out

Tiny stitches fill it out

Holes and tears

Rescued nimbly by the rafugar's hands.

He was sitting outside the laundry, hunched over the kurta, focused on the work at hand. His fingers moved nimbly, repairing the tears with neat, tiny stitches. Neither the noise of the traffic nor the cackle of passers-by disturbed him. He seemed to be lost in a world of his own – mending, bringing together those that were torn apart. Once he was done, he looked at his work, holding it out in the light. He seemed satisfied. Putting away the kurta, he began on the next task. The rafugar was at work, displaying the beautiful art of restoration.

Did he ever wonder what caused the hole or what tore them apart? What could have happened that marred a perfectly good outfit, a bag, or a sari. Was it a rift that caused the tear, or mere carelessness as it got caught in something sharp or plain force which turned out to be too strong for it to bear? What was the story behind the tear, did the rafugar ever wonder as he kept mending one after another?

He’s not just another man. He’s an artist, a surgeon, a healer. He heals the torn, puts them back together so that they can continue on their journey, without being thrown asunder. He breathes new life into that which was nearly done with. If not for him, its life might have ended or taken a different turn altogether. Fortunately, he’s brought in and given a free hand to mend, repair and bring back to life. Once he’s performed his magic on the victim, it begins its new innings.

Does he mend the holes in his life as skillfully? Is he able to repair and give new life to relationships that he may have unwittingly or carelessly torn apart? Is he as good a healer with his life and family as he is with the lifeless material in his hands?

At some point in our life, we are all a rafugar, some more skilled than others at the art of restoration. We mend, we bring together and make relationships whole again. Yet, the scars remain, no matter how skilled we are or how much love and care we bestow on repairing the torn. Skilled as the rafugar may be, the distortion in the material remains alive in the heart of the wearer as does the dull ache in the heart of the one who’s been hurt.

As these thoughts crossed my mind, a verse I read at another time and place came to the fore – Words and hearts should be handled with care, for words when spoken and hearts, when broken, are the hardest things to repair; for even when mended, the crack is still there.