Nurturing Confident Children – Part 2

Below are a few behaviours, some of which are inter-connected and overlap. If your child displays any of these behaviours, it may be a warning sign for cosseting. Wake up and act before it’s too late.

1) Inability to take a decision. If the child always asks before taking even the simplest of decision, or looks around for approval from an adult before taking a decision, it may be a sign that things are always decided for him.

2) If the child feels lost in the absence of parents, in spite of being with familiar people and other family members, it’s probably because he has no clue of what to do with regard to anything. That may be because things are always done for him, and provided on a platter. 

3) If the child is fearful, it may be because the parents are overprotective and often, fearful themselves. Anxious parents lead to anxious children. 

4) Inability to take a joke. If the child withdraws into a shell or cries on being teased a little, it might be that the child lacks in self-confidence. We’re not talking of mean behaviour or bullying, just simple, harmless humour. 

5) If the child resists helping out or doing simple chores for others, it could be that the child has been spoiled, and has never shouldered any responsibility. 

6) If the child controls the parents, the child is certainly pampered. The threat of a tantrum in a public place, pretending to throw up when asked to finish his food, bargaining with the parent to do as told are a few examples. 

7) Fear of failure is another sign of cosseting. Such children have been sheltered from failures, as they have never been left to fend for themselves or sort out their problems. It’s always Daddy/Mummy who sorts things out for them, often even before something happens. 

8) The inability to share is again a sign of over-indulgence – always getting what they want, and more so, having it to themselves. While this may be more common in case of single children, it is not uncommon in children with siblings.

While it’s good to start at a young age, it’s never too late. If you find yourself in the sinking sands of over-parenting, bail yourself and your child out now!

‘Where parents do too much for their children, the children will not do much for themselves.’ — Elbert Hubbard

Nurturing Confident Children – Part 1

‘In the end, it is not what we do for our children, but what we have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings’, said the columnist Ann Launders, and rightly so. That’s also what will determine whether the adult child is grateful and thankful to the parents or detests them for having messed them up with their overbearing love.

Parents often confuse love and care with indulgence and pampering. Some parents even experience guilt for not doing something for the child, or for making the child do something. The trick is in balancing the act and being aware of whether your parenting is helping the child or squashing his individuality and confidence.

Typical mollycoddling involves the following –

a) Excessive hand-holding – Taking over when the child attempts to do something.

b) Being overprotective – Some parents never let the child out of sight, they are always watched, picked up when they fall, cautioned.

c) Micro-management – There are parents who micro-manage every single facet of the child’s life, from something as simple as buttoning the 10-year-old’s shirt to buttering his bread!

d) Over directive – They just can’t stop themselves from constantly giving directions, even for things the child has been doing on his own since years.

e) Gratification of the child’s every demand – Some parents confuse love with gratification of demands. Whether instant or delayed, gratification of every single demand is detrimental to the child’s well-being and is certainly no sign of parental love.

‘Your kids require you most of all to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them.’ — Bill Ayers

The Touch of Love

The stroke of the fingers…the warmth of the palm…the caressing touch…the love is evident in the touch of the hands. The touch of the hands is enough to lift my sagging spirit and heal my wounded soul, not forgetting the magic it creates in mending my battered and pain ridden body. I call this the healing touch. It’s not in the hands, nor in the massage, and neither in the balm being used. It’s simply love.

I’m talking about the touch of my parents’ hands. (What did you think??!!)

Whenever I’m down and out, be it fever or headache or something worse what provides instant relief is the touch of my parents’ hand. Be it my mother or my father, the moment they lay their hand on my forehead I feel a surge of energy. The sense of wellbeing returns. Be it the lightness of my Mother’s hand or the heaviness of my Father’s hand…what’s common is the experience of love. As she strokes my forehead to relieve me of a headache…as he places his palm on my forehead to check whether I’m running a temperature. Yes, it’s the touch of love.

No medicine, no balm, no counselling, no doctor can do what the touch of love can. It heals, it mends, its cures, it binds, it strengthens us. I almost wish to fall ill more often in order to experience this healing touch. Believe it or not, you have to experience it to know the healing touch. In the expression of love the physical connection is a must. Often, in the process of growing up we drift apart, not emotionally, but physically. The instances of touch reduce. It is only on rare occasions that the physical connect happens. But when it does, it’s one immense experience. Trust me…I’m still basking in the last one.

Kiss & make up

Mellow tiffs, cold wars, steamy fights, fiery arguments....form an uncanny part of any relationship. Be it parent & child, siblings, friends, colleagues, relatives, lovers or even enemies (yes! enemity too is a relationsip)...when two people are close there's bound to be some friction some time or the other. And there's nothing wrong in that. Its natural. It provides comic(if I may say so) relief. It adds spice to an otherwise sterotype relationship. And it keeps us on our toes. And it helps in honing our skill of apologising, appeasing, cajoling, convincing & making up. I think one of the best parts of a fight is the end of it...what is called 'kiss & make up'. Whether you kiss or hug or simply say sorry, getting back together with a smile is a different feeling. The saccharine sweetness mixed with the earlier bitterness and fiery anger gives a heady feeling. The sun is shining bright. The birds are singing again. The world is beautiful once more.

Ode to a Mother

It's Mother's day today. So ironic that we need to reserve a day to remember her. The very person who's spent the best years of her life taking care of us.Frankly, according to me this is not in sync with our Indian culture where we worship Mother. Mother is God, 'maatru devo bhavah'. Nevertheless in todays world I guess such a day is required. Anyways, even if we don't need it, the card and gift companies certainly do! Here's something I penned for my Mom...

A doctor at times, a nurse part-time
Healing cuts and mending broken hearts
With caressing kisses and tender embraces.

A teacher so oft, a guide and mentor too;
Helping us sail through the sea of life,
Be it rough seas or times sublime.

Holding my hand, leading me across the street
With her by my side the world seemed to be at my feet.

Staying up nights was a common occurrence-
As I grappled with fever she’d sit by my side
And soothe my frayed nerves with her sweet lullabies.

The lullabies she sang still echo in my heart
Oh, why did childhood have to go by so fast!

Though gentle and unassuming, weak she is not.
Her calmness belies her fortitude, her endurance
As she handles life’s crises’ with quiet forbearance.

The strength beneath the silence
I’ve oft failed to recognize;
Its only now that I’m beginning to see her in true light.

Mother my dearest I want you to know,
You’ve been a better mum than I could ever ask for.
If there’s anyone who’s lacking
It’s only me your daughter, only me your daughter…