Nurturing Confident Children – Part 2

Below are a few behaviours, some of which are inter-connected and overlap. If your child displays any of these behaviours, it may be a warning sign for cosseting. Wake up and act before it’s too late.

1) Inability to take a decision. If the child always asks before taking even the simplest of decision, or looks around for approval from an adult before taking a decision, it may be a sign that things are always decided for him.

2) If the child feels lost in the absence of parents, in spite of being with familiar people and other family members, it’s probably because he has no clue of what to do with regard to anything. That may be because things are always done for him, and provided on a platter. 

3) If the child is fearful, it may be because the parents are overprotective and often, fearful themselves. Anxious parents lead to anxious children. 

4) Inability to take a joke. If the child withdraws into a shell or cries on being teased a little, it might be that the child lacks in self-confidence. We’re not talking of mean behaviour or bullying, just simple, harmless humour. 

5) If the child resists helping out or doing simple chores for others, it could be that the child has been spoiled, and has never shouldered any responsibility. 

6) If the child controls the parents, the child is certainly pampered. The threat of a tantrum in a public place, pretending to throw up when asked to finish his food, bargaining with the parent to do as told are a few examples. 

7) Fear of failure is another sign of cosseting. Such children have been sheltered from failures, as they have never been left to fend for themselves or sort out their problems. It’s always Daddy/Mummy who sorts things out for them, often even before something happens. 

8) The inability to share is again a sign of over-indulgence – always getting what they want, and more so, having it to themselves. While this may be more common in case of single children, it is not uncommon in children with siblings.

While it’s good to start at a young age, it’s never too late. If you find yourself in the sinking sands of over-parenting, bail yourself and your child out now!

‘Where parents do too much for their children, the children will not do much for themselves.’ — Elbert Hubbard

Nurturing Confident Children – Part 1

‘In the end, it is not what we do for our children, but what we have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings’, said the columnist Ann Launders, and rightly so. That’s also what will determine whether the adult child is grateful and thankful to the parents or detests them for having messed them up with their overbearing love.

Parents often confuse love and care with indulgence and pampering. Some parents even experience guilt for not doing something for the child, or for making the child do something. The trick is in balancing the act and being aware of whether your parenting is helping the child or squashing his individuality and confidence.

Typical mollycoddling involves the following –

a) Excessive hand-holding – Taking over when the child attempts to do something.

b) Being overprotective – Some parents never let the child out of sight, they are always watched, picked up when they fall, cautioned.

c) Micro-management – There are parents who micro-manage every single facet of the child’s life, from something as simple as buttoning the 10-year-old’s shirt to buttering his bread!

d) Over directive – They just can’t stop themselves from constantly giving directions, even for things the child has been doing on his own since years.

e) Gratification of the child’s every demand – Some parents confuse love with gratification of demands. Whether instant or delayed, gratification of every single demand is detrimental to the child’s well-being and is certainly no sign of parental love.

‘Your kids require you most of all to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them.’ — Bill Ayers

The Healer Beyond Compare

Up and down, in and out

Tiny stitches fill it out

Holes and tears

Rescued nimbly by the rafugar's hands.

He was sitting outside the laundry, hunched over the kurta, focused on the work at hand. His fingers moved nimbly, repairing the tears with neat, tiny stitches. Neither the noise of the traffic nor the cackle of passers-by disturbed him. He seemed to be lost in a world of his own – mending, bringing together those that were torn apart. Once he was done, he looked at his work, holding it out in the light. He seemed satisfied. Putting away the kurta, he began on the next task. The rafugar was at work, displaying the beautiful art of restoration.

Did he ever wonder what caused the hole or what tore them apart? What could have happened that marred a perfectly good outfit, a bag, or a sari. Was it a rift that caused the tear, or mere carelessness as it got caught in something sharp or plain force which turned out to be too strong for it to bear? What was the story behind the tear, did the rafugar ever wonder as he kept mending one after another?

He’s not just another man. He’s an artist, a surgeon, a healer. He heals the torn, puts them back together so that they can continue on their journey, without being thrown asunder. He breathes new life into that which was nearly done with. If not for him, its life might have ended or taken a different turn altogether. Fortunately, he’s brought in and given a free hand to mend, repair and bring back to life. Once he’s performed his magic on the victim, it begins its new innings.

Does he mend the holes in his life as skillfully? Is he able to repair and give new life to relationships that he may have unwittingly or carelessly torn apart? Is he as good a healer with his life and family as he is with the lifeless material in his hands?

At some point in our life, we are all a rafugar, some more skilled than others at the art of restoration. We mend, we bring together and make relationships whole again. Yet, the scars remain, no matter how skilled we are or how much love and care we bestow on repairing the torn. Skilled as the rafugar may be, the distortion in the material remains alive in the heart of the wearer as does the dull ache in the heart of the one who’s been hurt.

As these thoughts crossed my mind, a verse I read at another time and place came to the fore – Words and hearts should be handled with care, for words when spoken and hearts, when broken, are the hardest things to repair; for even when mended, the crack is still there.

The Man Who Says Nothing

Silence, it is said, is the language of the wise. I had heard about this and read much about saints like Ramana Maharishi who said much by saying nothing. 

To find a common man living a simple, mundane life, and waxing eloquent through silence is a surprising rarity. To most of the people around him, it is unnerving and to those closest to him, it is often most exasperating. But their frustrated outpouring is water over a duck's back. He continues unaffected, unabated, as silent as ever. Maybe even more. 

He speaks when spoken to, though not always. He'll answer to the point, yet only when he thinks it's important to say something at all. Anything that does not concern him is none of his concern. And if it does concern him, it'll be dealt with in the fewest words possible, which is usually a soft, 'Hmm'. 

We might be sitting nearby roaring with laughter, he'll continue reading his book without as much as a glance our way. His funda is simple - what he needs to know will be pointedly told or shared with him. 

We may be engaged in a serious conversation in hushed tones. He might glance up once, that's all. He's no nosy parker. Curiosity has never itched out a 'who, what, why, when' from him. 

His wife may be talking dime a dozen, sitting beside him, yet she'll have no clue whether he's listening. Until she finally asks, ' Did you hear what I said?' Only for him to glance up and say, 'Eh?'  Frankly, I'm surprised how she hasn't yet socked him!

When I serve him food, I watch him closely for a hint of feedback.  No, not a flicker will be visible. Rare are the days when I receive praise or constructive criticism. But when he does, he conveys it all with a single adjective, 'Utkrushtt!' Trust me, it makes my weeks and not just my day!

One day, after much persuasion, he agreed to see a neurologist. Not because he complained of anything but because we had been 'observing' a change in his gait. 

Doctor: How are you? 

He: I'm fine. They feel the need for me to see you. 

We (smiling sheepishly): Hehe.

Doctor: Do you have any difficulty in doing mundane stuff?

He: I have difficulty in writing. 

Doctor: Since when?

He: Over a year.

We (nearly falling off our chairs): Eh?!!

We cringed as the doctor threw us a glance, accusing of neglect. Sigh… Facing such embarrassing situations was something we have had to learn to take in our stride.  

One morning as he sat reading the newspaper, he was given the sad news of the death of someone he loved and revered. The news was expected. Yet, I watched him with trepidation. He looked up, confirmed the news and turned back to his newspaper, thereafter continuing with his daily routine. 

Was he untouched by the news? Certainly not. But he's not one to make a show of what's going on within.

Like the lotus in murky waters, he is in the world but not of the world. The vicissitudes of life barely brush past him.  God must have broken the cast after creating him, for he's like no other person I've heard of or seen.  No wonder my respect for him goes up yet another notch, with every new incident. The beauty of silence is what I'm learning from him. 

To speak without a word

To convey without telling

To know without asking

To limit what he takes in.

That's him. That's him.